CARBON DATING
Copyright © Geoff Allnutt (The Speech Painter) 2003

I'm addicted to a website
no no I'm not masturbating
though i do stare at the pictures
I'm internet dating
and I've posted a profile
and now i am waiting

I've been waiting for ever
for just the right one
been near suicidal
thought at last it has come
only to find - it hadn't
she's gone
the tears on the paper
of every stained letter
lost loves still there
when you cannot forget her
and when i say tear stained letter
i mean every tear stained letter
the cure of a p
the angle of a l
the loop of an e
the tail of an a
the swish of a s
the loop of an e
a bucket of tears
on the first word please
please read this letter
please have me back
please I'll be better
I'll visit a quack
please can i see you
please can you phone
please come and save me
I'm dying alone.

but now I'm glued to the website
really concentrating
staring at the photos
I'm internet dating
I've posted my profile
and now i am waiting

my mates have been helpful
my friends have been great
they've sat me at dinner
with people i hate
the clubs have been useless
the drugs have been great
the paranoias been greater
but at least I've lost weight
the pubs have been boring
but the drinking's been great
kamikaze chat up lines
bringing down fate
last week i met a Nazi
it's not a line it's true
i left her and the Indian
well what was i to do
on a motor biking Nazi
3 hours of my time
beautiful till politics
drew an ugly line
now I'm left thinking
how would it have been
with her swastika nickers
and views to make me scream
would i have awoke in the morning
to wish it was a dream
I'm glad it didn't happen
it was bad enough that night
as she looked me in the eye
said Enoch Powell was right

so back to the website
love is so frustrating
talking to the photos
hey its internet dating
I've posted my profile
and now i am waiting

at last i got an email
fixed up the date
said she'd see me at the weekend
she said she couldn't wait
the i got her text
last Saturday night
said Sunday was off
things were not right
said there was no future
i hadn't even met her
now i left wondering
will i ever forget her
well i still have my poetry
she still has her horse
3 emails and one phone call
love had run its course

so i joined another website
i confess to all my sins
but all the women there
had jimmy hill chins
and maybe that's how
a fetish begins
i then met two alcoholics
they could have been twins
both had boyfriends
like fish have fins
and i was left gutted
like tuna in tins

so back to the original website
which is really irritating
I've sent a new picture
and still i am waiting
spending more time surfing
than time spent dating

i want a work out with a lover
so I'm sacked for being late in
not the touch of a dentist
who leaves my teeth grating
its so long since I've shagged
my cock needs carbon dating
I've got live dna
kids need creating
before its fossilised amber
incapable of lubricating

so I'm now designing the website
for all of you waiting
pushing the boundaries
with internet mating
we need desperate people
we need speed sex
we can match you
with other wrecks
a match made in heaven
you could meet your ex
we've got chat rooms
with the latest effects

once seen
once looked at
you'll all pay the fee
to see the profiles
the horrors
and those pictures of me